Back in the world

From Arizona of all places! (sorry Annemarie, but it’s just not my cup of chai latte)

this event was much better than the last one, not the least of the reasons being that I got to see Annemarie Burke, a classmate and pastor in Salt Lake City. I never thought I’d get attached to all of you folks from the Seminary, but I did and it was nice to have someone around with whom I shared some common ground, personal history-wise.

Excellent presentations on the uglier aspects of ministry (stewardship, money management etc) and good fellowship. I went and got Sanna Reinholtzen, who is supplying for me while I’m gone and it was nice chatting with her.

Now the vacation begins (it’s been two days since I wrote the above). We just got back from Debbie’s dad’s 60th birthday party and we had a good time. We’re laying plans for going up to the ranch for several days, with smallish plans for getting some projects underway before the rains come and there is a good sense of maybe getting away.

Keep us centered, Lord and draw our eyes to you, to the welcome at the end of the road. Let oour roots grow strong in the company of our congregations and let our relationships carry your Word throughout our lives as we learn to love and support each other and in so doing, make the world in which we were meant to live. A world that is kind and where the ability of our neighbor to live a fulfilling life is as important as our own ability.

maybe it’s about time

for a vacation, that is.

I’m feeling a little crispy around the edges (if you read the last post, you may undstand. I’ve been letting the other blog slip and have been getting headaches pretty regularly.

Now there’s First Call Theological Education in Carefree, Az for three days (gonna see Annemarie for the first time since the truck pulled out of Burntvedt apartments) back for a day, then up for Debbie’s Dad’s 60th.

Then I’m really going to get to work. Going up to the ranch, I want to get a few things done, some things dug up, some things cleaned up, the wood for winter laid in. All of this will happen without the phone ringing. It ought to be paradise.

Because just when things are starting to go well, I don’t want to get discouraged or burned out. Confirmation has started and despite some rough patches, it is looking good. I’ve got a new member’s class beginning when I get back, Communion practices class is almost over and it has gone well. We’ve changed the worship schedule and apart from finding new Sunday School teachers for next year, everything there is going well.

now I need to get away for a while and get my personal batteries recharged. I’m planning a couple of Bible studies, but I can do them in a leisurely fashion instead of trying to keep ahead of the class. It’ll be nice to read the Bible without trying to extract something out of it, just let it float through my head. How often do we let ourselves do that? I had to sprain my ankle the last time I let myself just read.

I think that this blog will soon be hosted on the church’s new website. We’re buying a domain name and everything and the site will host the blog so watch for a change. maybe I’ll let them run concurrently, and just sync them up. who knows?

All I know is that the possibilities are looking good and I am hopeful. Hopeful but tired.

Gracious Lord, give us our rest. As we claim the cross of Christ let it remind us that our deaths have been claimed by Him and that our lives are now free in him. Let us revel in our blessings and gifts, finding the joy of life in the exercise of our faith, the daily tasks of living through Christ.

Doubt

So now I doubt the call.

How can I be so wrong? How can I be so unfailingly sinful and yet presume to lead a congregation where people expect me to be one thing or another but since I’m none of those things,  are bound to be disappointed?

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15

I’m stuck. Wanting approval, wanting to be the person who leads people in the right path but being the person whose errors haunt him. Is the sermon good enough? Am I being harsh to this person or that one? Am I spending enough time visiting? Am I spending too much time on “projects” that are interesting to me but do little to serve the kingdom?

So it does make me doubt the call. Not the reality of the call, I do feel called to ministry , but rather my suitability for ministry. I know that the stock Lutheran answer is that “none of us is truly worthy, yet all are worthy in Christ,” and I get that. But it’s the lack of skills, the bungling, the stupidity that haunts, not the “sinful nature” argument.

All I have is you Lord, and all I have is yours. Take it and point it in the right direction because I cannot find it myself.